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Text - Religion - Humor - How to Start Your Own Religion.txt
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2003-10-05
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Otoons - How to Start Your Own Religion
How to Start Your Own Religion
I'm thinking of starting my own religion ....
You know, for something to do ....
Last semester I took a course called Cults and Religious
Controversy, taught by the lovely and talented expert in new
religious movements, Susan J. Palmer. In this course we studied all
sorts of different off-the-cuff religious movements including the
Solar Temple, the Raelians, the Children of God, the Hare Krishnas,
the Heaven's Gate and the Branch Davidians.
There are apparently hundreds of religions out there at any given
moment. Anyone with a little charisma and a new idea can start one.
I've got a surefire formula all figured out.
Here's how it's done, in case you feel like starting one yourself.
(Now is a good time because of the coming end of the millennium and
possible apocalypse.)
Part one: In the style of "do it yourself" greeting cards, pick one
option from each section and string them together to create your own
story of a prophetic vision and foundation for a new religion.
Eg. I was minding my own business, happily watching television when
suddenly I was contacted by the spirit of a long-dead yogic master
via a ghostly apparition that appeared before me. I was taken
outside my body and a message was delivered to me. The message was
this: The end of the world is at hand.
Your turn.
You were minding your own business, happily: doing your laundry/
walking in the woods/ sleeping/ sitting on the toilet/ watching
television/ taking a shower at the gym/ getting drunk in a bar/
driving along the Jacques Cartier Bridge/ clipping your toenails/
making soup.
When suddenly you were contacted by: God/ aliens/ the spirit of a
long-dead yogic master/ the tooth fairy/ leprechauns/ the cat
people/ the man in the moon/ Keith Moon/ the mother goddess/ your
mother/ Mackenzie King.
Via (section optional): the invasion of your own body/ your cat/ the
telephone/ a spaceship/ a ghostly apparition/ television, radio or
other household appliance/ the Internet/ UPS/ Canada Post (yeah
right)/ an angel/ a stranger/ the wind.
You were: taken on board a spaceship/ transported to another world/
too stunned to do anything but stand there like a dope/ unable to
control your bowels/ taken outside your body/ put into a trance-like
state/ overcome by an unbelievable feeling of peace/ suddenly very
hungry.
A message was delivered to you. The message was this: the end of the
world is at hand/ extraterrestrials created the Earth/ canaries are
planning a hostile takeover/ Barney the Dinosaur is the Antichrist/
the creators are angry with us/ you are the messiah/ Keith Moon was
the messiah/ Satan is living among us/ the aliens are coming/
computers are the work of the devil/ The Backstreet Boys are the
work of the devil/ air is poisonous/ don't eat yellow snow/ God is a
pigeon/ the body is only a vehicle for the soul.
Part two: Creating an image.
You must deliver your message to the rest of the world. But before
you begin recruitment you should look the part of the religious
leader. Experiment with your image until you find the right one for
you. You must be comfortable with it since you will have to maintain
it for the rest of your life as a prophet. These are just a few
fashion tips that seem to have worked for others.
Men should have: thinning hair, worn either long or completely
shaved. Facial hair is optional. Clothing should be either drab '70s
garb or a single-colour cotton robe or suit. Oversized medallions
are good. A vacant, slightly psychotic look in the eyes is good
also. (Look up pictures of Rael, David Koresh and Herff Applewhite.)
Women should have: an unintimidating, painfully unfashionable and
slightly motherly appeal. (Look up pictures of Elizabeth Claire
Prophet of the Summit Lighthouse.) Looking sexy and beautiful is bad
because you will alienate half of your potential recruits. Most
women will not follow someone they can hate instead. Or you could
try the kooky, crazy lady look and wear tiaras, poofy dresses and
carry a magic wand. (Look up pictures of Uriel, of Unarius.)
Part three: Concocting a good recruitment strategy.
The last step is to recruit followers who will help spread your
message and fund your mission.
This can be tricky. You must entice people into your organization by
offering them something they can't resist while setting special
rules and regulations that will make them feel separate from and
superior to the rest of society. Do as in Part One.
If you follow me you will (select two): attain enlightenment/ be
saved while the rest of the world is destroyed/ get to have lots of
guilt-free sex/ live forever/ appear on the Jerry Springer show/
travel to distant planets/ accumulate free air miles/ find peace/
find your keys/ never have to pay off your credit card.
But you must never again (select three): see your family/ eat meat/
drink alcohol or coffee/ smoke/ have sex (does not work if you
picked "have lots of sex" in Part One)/ listen to music/ gamble/
dance/ work/ wear shoes/ have your own possessions/ watch
television/ watch porn/ contact the outside world/ clip your
toenails.
So you should have something like: "If you follow me you will live
forever and accumulate free air miles but must never again eat meat,
listen to music or wear shoes." And voila!
That should be enough to get you started. The rest is up to you. Two
last tips: try to avoid committing mass murders or suicides. This is
not a good way of ensuring survival as we have learned from the
Heaven's Gate, the Branch Davidians and many others. Also, if you
have predicted the end of the world, put off setting a date as long
as possible. If you must set one, set it beyond your lifetime so you
won't be embarrassed at work the next morning.
Good luck! And see you at the apocalypse.
courtesy Elizabeth Bromstein
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